How To Stop Hating Your In-Laws

Love ’em or hate ’em, many people clash with their in-laws. If you’re like most people, you can weather the friction with your own parents way better than you can with your partner’s parents. After all, you’ve been dealing with your parents forever.

With your in-laws, however, you aren’t always sure what you’re allowed to say and how you’re expected to express it. You may find yourself saying the wrong thing and hurting their feelings. Or you may keep silent while your resentment grows and grows.

And just to make things even more complicated, you may find that conflicts with your in-laws turn into conflicts with your partner as well, especially if you don’t agree about how to handle the situation. Wondering what to do? Here’s what the experts say about handling tension and conflicts with your in-laws.

Common Issues With In-Laws and How To Solve Them

While it’s impossible to head off all clashes and you may never feel as comfortable with your in-laws as you are with your own parents, there are ways to cool down even the hottest hot-button issues. Here, we’ve broken down some common in-law complaints with tips for how to handle them.

Your in-laws monopolize your time

Grandparents who live close by may expect to be included in every family outing, while out-of-town grandparents may expect to see you and the kids during every vacation or school break. Before you can cure grandparents of wanting too much of your family’s time, you have to get your partner on board with the idea of cutting them back.

And even though kids do thrive when they have close relationships with grandparents, it’s equally important for you to have some time, guilt-free, to strengthen your own family bond, says Susan Newman, PhD, author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It—and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. So let your partner know that what you want is to have more time together, not to punish their parents, and they’ll be more likely to see things your way. Then be prepared to compromise.

As for the grandparents, let your partner figure out the best way to tell them that your next visit won’t happen as soon as they’d like. To lessen the sting, you can step up your efforts to make your in-laws feel connected in other ways such as scanning the kids’ artwork and e-mailing it for them to enjoy and encouraging frequent telephone chats with the grandkids.

With in-laws who live close by, the trick is to avoid an ugly confrontation but still get what you need. If you don’t want your in-laws tagging along on every special outing, just keep quiet about the ones you want to enjoy alone. If one of the kids spills the beans, explain that you’ve already made plans but you’d love to have them over for supper later in the week instead.

Your in-laws don’t follow your safety rules

Many grandparents still follow the outdated and sometimes unsafe advice from when their children were young when caring for their grandkids. The trick for navigating conversations about safety is to be firm without looking like you’re accusing them of deliberately putting their grandkid in danger.

As calmly as you can, tell them it makes you feel too uncomfortable when they do things their way. You can say, “I know things were different when you were raising kids, but our doctor insists on [whatever safety measure they’re flouting], and we need to be absolutely sure everyone is following their instructions.”

They may still think it’s all overkill, but they’re more likely to understand that you’re simply following your health care provider’s orders, not criticizing their ability to take care of their grandchild.

Your in-laws interfere

“It’s hard for grandparents not to give advice on child rearing because they care so much about the kids,” points out Susie Kohl, author of The Best Things Parents Do and a mother-in-law herself. But some advice isn’t welcome and may be wrong. Just state your position directly, then let it go. You don’t need to convert your in-laws to your position.

But sometimes you can’t just blow it off. When in-laws overstep, let them know how angry and upset you are, but soften the message by saying, “I know you’re trying to help, but this is a sensitive issue, and we’d like to handle it ourselves.” Your in-laws need to know that you are the parent: They had their shot at raising kids and now they have no choice but to follow your lead—whether they agree or not.

Your in-laws criticize your decisions

Sometimes an in-law’s comments are nothing more than thinly disguised disapproval. It’s best to take the straightforward, honest approach, says Newman. Tell them you don’t appreciate being judged and held to their impossible standards. At least they’ll be put on notice and made aware of your feelings. Although you may not be able to change their minds, it can’t hurt to bring in some outside authority to shore up your position, like an article you read.

Your in-laws don’t support your family rules

If your kids see their grandparents only a few times a year, this may be one of those things you compromise about: It won’t hurt a child to stay up late or watch an extra hour of TV every now and then, but if your kids spend a lot of time with your in-laws, it’s better to step in.

A simple explanation and the offer of an alternative ought to do the trick. Grandparents just want to make the kids happy; your job is to give them the tools so they don’t (or won’t) break obvious family rules.

Your in-laws expect too much

The problem here may only be cluelessness: “Grandparents probably didn’t have such an overwhelming experience when they were new parents, so they don’t always understand the stresses on families today,” says Kohl. One solution is to tell them what your lives are like, so they realize that the kind of favor they’re asking is hard to provide in your circumstances. Once they get the picture, they may stop asking.

But maybe not: Asking too much of an adult child with their own family can be a way for parents to keep their child in their lives and control them, says Newman. And someone who complies with unreasonable requests—even when they cause an obvious strain on their own family’s resources—may need some help in getting past the guilt of saying no.

If the in-law requests keep coming, try to come up with a compromise your partner can live with. Whatever your situation, your partner will be letting their parents know that they want to help, but on terms that won’t make your lives impossible.

Your in-laws don’t help out

This situation can be tricky because grandparents certainly have the right to set their own boundaries, just as you do, says Kohl. Being with young children is draining, and if your in-laws don’t feel up to the challenges, or if their lives are already filled with work and other projects, you have to accept their choice to be uninvolved. On the other hand, they may not volunteer because they don’t realize how much you need the help. Spell out your needs clearly.

If you don’t know whether your in-laws are trying to establish boundaries or simply don’t realize how much help you’d welcome, ask them if they’re interested in having some one-on-one time with their grandkids or if they might be up for babysitting. You won’t iron out all the clashes, but working out the conflicts offers a huge payoff for your kids. They’re the ones who benefit most when all the people who love them get along.

Tips for Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Some in-laws are harder to deal with than others, and some are flat-out impossible, but experts agree that most relationships can flourish when certain ground rules apply. And if you’re having more trouble negotiating with your own parents, these tips can apply to them, too.

Establish clear boundaries

If you don’t want habitual drop-bys or constant advice, the time to stop them is now, before they become a habit. Otherwise, you run the risk of blowing your top at the worst possible moment.

Decide what you feel strongly about

For the sake of family peace, you may have to let the little things go while you hold the line on the big stuff. For example, you know it’s better for everyone if your child gets to bed at a decent hour, so let your in-laws know that’s the rule the next time they come over to babysit. But you may choose to give in on those two slices of pie for dinner.

Know when to hold your tongue

Sometimes telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth is unnecessarily hurtful. If you don’t feel comfortable leaving your baby alone with grandparents, get a babysitter. And they persist, say something pleasant like, “I really appreciate all your offers of help, but having a sitter who knows the routine is a lot easier for me, and I’m so frazzled at the moment, I just need to do the easiest thing I can.” Then, let it go.